you can't keep ignoring this.

well, i take that back. you can. but just to let you know, it's literally like you're just pushing me deeper into my pool of depression; and enjoying the fact that i'm down, the fact that i cry every day, the fact that you have total ownership over me and my heart and my emotions, the fact that you can end my life with only a few words, the fact that you actually have what it takes to make someone devote their lives to you and not do the same in return.


don't you think i already have it hard enough as it is? you know everything about me. everything. you know about all of the things i have to go through in my day to day life, and all of the hardships i've failed to overcome. and it sucks that you're adding onto the weight of my shoulders instead of taking some away, and actually trying to help me live a better life.
i thought that's what a partner was for; someone who you can go to to just forget about all of the problems you have, and all of the shit going down in your life. someone who's willing to share the weight and help to get rid of it.


you don't understand what it feels like to be me. you can try all you want to have a grip on it, a hold, an understanding; but until you walk this world one day in my skin, with my thoughts in your head, with your feet in my shoes, you have no fucking idea. you don't understand how hard i have to try to keep the tears down when i'm around other people. like, when people are around, i literally live in this state of paranoia where i feel like everyone can feel my pain, and they can see it seeping through my skin; like, they don't want to hurt my feelings by walking away, but just can't bare to breath the uncomfortable air that surrounds me. so they just leave.


and i'm waiting for him to leave too. because everyone else already has, in some sort. and he has to. that's why he doesn't want to be around me anymore. that's what i've come to conclude. like, he feels he deserves someone better. and i do too, to be honest. i feel like he shouldn't waste his time with me. because i'm just a total wreck. nothing about me is right. and i can't be fixed. i doubt i can be fixed. i think i can. but who would help me? because i know for a god damned fact that i couldn't do it on my own.


you can make fun of this all you want, laugh at me at school and joke around about it. but this is real. this is true. and i'm really, seriously, truly, in pain. i don't want to be like this. but i do want help. i'm desperate for help. and i just don't know where to turn for it. i don't know what to do.