"jordan told me

you were trying to break up with me.
whatever."

ahhhhh. yeah, forever doesn't last long now;
does it? my forever just died.

september 14, 2007
to august 17, 2008

those were the most beautiful and yet the
most ugly days of my life.

and i will cherish them forever. this forever
will last until the day that i day. and that's a
promise.

i'll touch more on this subject later. i bet you'd
all like to here about how a girl lost her heart
to the most beautiful boy in the world.

funny story.
you'll like it. :)

you know your life's shit

when you're just walking the halls at school, and some random kid
looks you in the eye and says, "wow, you look really fucked up."

ahh, tell me about it. and you know what i said back, right?
"yeah... i am fucked up."

therapyyyyy. i'm really gonna have to go and get some. like,
no fucking joke. i'm really fucked up.

let's give every one an example, shall we?

i only had two newports left today. and i was like, really worrying
about it. because it's my recluse. when i smoke, i don't think straight.
and that's a good thing. because when i don't smoke, i actually
am thinking "straight. " but straight isn't straight in my world.

and it only lasts for a while. hence why i smoked eight
cigarettes in one hour once, give or take.

well, anyway i went over to talk to my mom at the neighbor's house.
and the first thing she said to me was, "did you come over here to ask for a
cigarette?" and i was like, "no. i may want one but that doesn't mean i was
gonna ask you for one."

ha, she had me smoke one right in front of her while beata told
her sob story / heartbreak antidote.

and damn you have no clue how bad i felt when she looked
at me the way she did. i need help. and i need him.

this doesn't feel right.

i can't live like this. i need him.

it takes so much for me just to get out of bed in the morning.
that's why i haven't been to school since thursday.
because i'm fucking fucked up. seriously.
i'm trying my best. i'll do whatever it takes.

you know, i doubt that he'll take me back.
even though the only reason we're not
together is because he thinks that i was
trying to break up with him.

i wasn't. i can assure you that that is not
what i wanted. it's never what i wanted.
it was the exact opposite of what i wanted.

if i didn't want to be with him, do you really
think that i'd be crying over him, waking up
ever night and just literally crying until i can't
cry anymore. yesterday, i could barely even
talk. i wouldn't want anyone to ever see me
like i was yesterday. it was sad.

really really sad.

i devoted my life to him. and i gave my heart
to him. and trust me, he still has it. he will
always have it. because i can't take it back.
i don't have it in me to take it back. i don't want
to take it back. i want him to have it. and i don't
want anything more than to have his heart again.

i want it so bad.

and i'll do whatever it takes. whatever it takes.
it's sad what love can do to a person. what love
did to me. he was mine. my everything. he still
is my everything. i just don't have the right to call
him mine. because he doesn't want me anymore.

i'm trying my best. it seems like my best just isn't
enough for him. but i don't know. i'll still give it my
all. because i've already felt this worst pain there is
possible. and that's heartbreak.

my heart's been broken over and over again.

by only one person. one sweet, innocent, beautiful
person. over and over again. and yet he's still the
one that keeps it beating. knowing that he's okay.

and that he's still breathing; that's what keeps me
going. because like i said, he's my everything.

my everything that just doesn't belong to me.

just got back from seeing mirrors

with my mom. it was a pretty good movie. and i was having a little fun. not really that much. not enough to keep my mind off of him. which was the whole point of the thing to begin with. it's pretty much the reason why i didn't want to get out of bed this morning. i didn't want to wake up. because when i do, i always think of him. how he's not here with me, like he used to be all the time. every time i think of him, i cry. it sucks. because in my eyes, he's the most beautiful thing in the world. nothing is more important to me. and 24/7, i have to live with this craving, for him. and nothing can make it go away, nothing but him coming back to me.

and i'm pretty sure that's not going to happen any time soon. well, actually soon in your eyes may be shorter than soon in mine. i can't wait a whole year. and that's exactly what he's asking me to do. a whole year without me waking up to his beautiful face. a whole year without his hand to hold. a whole year without his eyes to look into. and a whole year without his lips to kiss.

i may be contradicting myself with this, because i'm sure there will be short intervals in this year's span that i'd see him. and be able to rid myself of that craving. but again, those intervals would be short. not long enough for me. because nothing would be long enough except for forever. he said it would be forever. but then again, he's said a lot of things just to make me feel better. i'm sure he saw it in my eyes: my neediness for him. so he told me it would be forever just to put my mind at ease. knowing that whenever it is he had to leave, i'd be in pain. hoping that his return would be enough to fix the damage his absence has done. but i don't think it will. this pain will always linger in the back of my mind.

now again, i may be contradicting myself with this. because although i said i would want to be with him forever, by his side at all hours of all days; there would have to be days that we would have to be apart. and i'd just have to except that. but a year. i couldn't handle that. i'm not going to be able to handle it. but then again i'm just going to have to. because i have no other choice. he made this decision and it seems there's no way for me to sway it. he said this decision will better his future. and every time he says that, i always think the same thing. am i not going to be a part of his future as well? he fails to mention that when we talk. and that's why my mind never fails to wonder if i will be a part of his future. if he won't just decide somewhere along this year's span that he's through with me. that he doesn't want to have to deal with me any longer. but he said it'd be forever. and i trusted him, just like i have so many times before. i believed the things he told me. and i'm trying to believe him now. but it's just not working. my faith in him is fading away day by day. even now with the way he barely ever talks to me, never reassures me that he's staying faithful. instead he does the opposite, does things to make me feel that he doesn't love me anymore. it's why i'm always paranoid. paranoid that he's going against his word. he told me it would be forever.

now i just have to wait and see how long forever will last for him and me.

you can't keep ignoring this.

well, i take that back. you can. but just to let you know, it's literally like you're just pushing me deeper into my pool of depression; and enjoying the fact that i'm down, the fact that i cry every day, the fact that you have total ownership over me and my heart and my emotions, the fact that you can end my life with only a few words, the fact that you actually have what it takes to make someone devote their lives to you and not do the same in return.


don't you think i already have it hard enough as it is? you know everything about me. everything. you know about all of the things i have to go through in my day to day life, and all of the hardships i've failed to overcome. and it sucks that you're adding onto the weight of my shoulders instead of taking some away, and actually trying to help me live a better life.
i thought that's what a partner was for; someone who you can go to to just forget about all of the problems you have, and all of the shit going down in your life. someone who's willing to share the weight and help to get rid of it.


you don't understand what it feels like to be me. you can try all you want to have a grip on it, a hold, an understanding; but until you walk this world one day in my skin, with my thoughts in your head, with your feet in my shoes, you have no fucking idea. you don't understand how hard i have to try to keep the tears down when i'm around other people. like, when people are around, i literally live in this state of paranoia where i feel like everyone can feel my pain, and they can see it seeping through my skin; like, they don't want to hurt my feelings by walking away, but just can't bare to breath the uncomfortable air that surrounds me. so they just leave.


and i'm waiting for him to leave too. because everyone else already has, in some sort. and he has to. that's why he doesn't want to be around me anymore. that's what i've come to conclude. like, he feels he deserves someone better. and i do too, to be honest. i feel like he shouldn't waste his time with me. because i'm just a total wreck. nothing about me is right. and i can't be fixed. i doubt i can be fixed. i think i can. but who would help me? because i know for a god damned fact that i couldn't do it on my own.


you can make fun of this all you want, laugh at me at school and joke around about it. but this is real. this is true. and i'm really, seriously, truly, in pain. i don't want to be like this. but i do want help. i'm desperate for help. and i just don't know where to turn for it. i don't know what to do.

no subject

honestly, i feel a bit melodramatic. it's like i always feel this way.
but i don't know if it's because i over exaggerate the events that
take place in my life. or if i'm right in feeling this way. but who
knows? it could just be the fact that i'm bipolar. ha. who cares?

anyway, this quote has made me think a bit about him.

a mirror reflects a man's face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses. [proverbs 27:19]

let me just think about that for a bit.
i'll explain a bit later.

- raynah boyd

a new month :)

i want to:
- go to the mall;
- watch dragon tails;
- eat a bunch of cookie dough;
- go to starbucks + barns & nobles;
- go shopping @ hollister w/ candiva;
- have an argument-free day w/ david;
- learn how to skate w/ graham;
- get my ears gaugedddd;
- move out of this gay, tin prism;
- get braces (no they're not);
- go to the beach w/ shelbert;
- go to the animal shelter w/ jene;
- get straight a's again;
- have money $$$ haha;
- punch a bitch's teeth out;,

that's my to do list for this month;
bwahahaha, let's see if i get it all done. :D